I’ve always been an optimizer
I don’t know if it’s how I was raised, how I grew up, or if I’m just naturally like this, but I’m always trying to optimize things. Decisions, the path to class, what class to take, or even the path in life. Even buying plane tickets or picking the best route when I’m driving. And honestly, there’s nothing wrong with that.
But lately, after this breakup and thinking about my actions and regrets, I’ve been asking myself: is it worth the energy? Like… is it worth spending all this time trying to optimize my thoughts and choices, especially when it comes with so many feelings?
Why am I thinking about this?
Long story short: last November, me and my ex girlfriend broke up. I’ll probably write about it soon. It was totally my fault, and I take a lot of responsibility for it — but now we’re here.
Fast forward like 3 months. With that, plus other reasons I’ll talk about later, I started missing her… or maybe I started missing the feeling she gave me. And that’s when I started looking back at my choices and questioning how I handle things when I’m emotional.
Optimization
Whether it’s texting people or giving myself general life advice, I feel like recently I’ve been relying on ChatGPT to help me make decisions. And looking back, I’m not sure if I like that.
Maybe it is the best, most logical, most “optimal” decision — but a lot of the time after I follow it, I still feel this weird regret. Not every single time, but most times. Like there’s something I wanted to say in the moment, but I didn’t.
Like when I’m feeling lonely and missing my ex girlfriend, and it feels like it might be our last conversation ever… I still ask ChatGPT what I should do. And it usually gives the most logical answer. The “right” answer. And I usually follow it. But something about that feels off.
Life
I think what scares me is that I might be missing out on life.
Missing out on making the wrong decision. Missing out on feeling more hurt, more sad, more messy. Missing out on learning lessons the real way — not through reading or advice, but through experience. And yeah… even through regrets.
Future
So I think I want to find more balance. Maybe use it less, or only use it for certain things. But I don’t know yet.
Like—is it better to always make the “right” decision for the other person or for myself? Or is that not the point? I’ve been questioning that a lot, and I still don’t have a clean answer.